What Is Your Attachment Style and How Is It Affecting Your Relationships?

Each of your patterns in relationships, whether it’s how you deal with conflicts, the distance you allow between yourself and another person, how you respond to a loved one moving away from you, is rooted in one thing: your attachment style.

According to the attachment theory, an individual’s emotional connection formed with their caregiver during the early years of life determines how he or she relates to people later on in adulthood. The attachment styles proposed by American psychologist Mary Ainsworth following the findings of the famous ‘Strange Situation’ experiment are the result of a caregiver’s consistency and sensitivity towards his or her infant’s needs.

In essence, how your parents responded to your emotional needs when you were young will define how you respond in every romance and friendship you build in life. Your attachment style doesn’t blame your parents for how you act; instead, it helps you learn yourself and choose differently.

Four attachment styles exist. Knowing yours may be the most eye-opening experience you’ve had in relationships.

Secure Attachment

Individuals with secure attachment often have no problem being both intimate and independent. They are certain that their partner is going to be there for them, that they are able to communicate effectively without fear of being rejected, and that they will be able to bounce back after a fight because it will not shake up everything. In other words, people with secure attachment do not have to spend too long after the dispute repairing the bond because they were always on the same page.

Secure attachment is usually formed due to caregivers’ reliable and consistent emotional availability. This means that they did not need to be perfect; however, they did not abandon their child emotionally. Secure attachment is the most healthy type of all; in addition, anyone, regardless of childhood experiences, can learn to develop it.

Anxious Attachment

A person with anxious attachment desperately desires to be close to someone else while also being afraid of losing them to something unknown. The thing about people with anxious attachment is that they overthink their partners’ actions, misinterpret every silence as being told off by their loved one, and constantly ask for confirmation that the bond between them is not broken.

An anxious attachment usually develops due to unpredictable caregivers who are warm and present now but neglecting or absent in the future. There was no way for a child to know how often they would get support, and that is why the child became very sensitive to any signs of disconnection. This sensitivity does not vanish into thin air when one grows up.

Avoidant Attachment

A person who has an avoidant attachment usually puts great emphasis on their independence and tries to escape from emotionally charged interactions. One can show up distant, unresponsive to their partner’s feelings, incapable of being vulnerable, or cut off completely in conflicts instead of talking about them.

Usually, this type of attachment happens because of the absence of emotional availability from the caregiver or discouragement of expressing emotions in childhood. Such a child learns to self-soothe, ignore their own needs, and do everything alone. In adulthood, intimacy can feel threatening rather than safe, even when it is genuinely desired.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment, sometimes referred to as fearful-avoidant, is arguably the most complicated of all four styles. People with this type of attachment need closeness and yet are too afraid of it. They will often seek intimacy desperately and immediately step back when they finally get it. Their relationships are simultaneously important and risky, creating an inner dilemma that requires professional help to overcome.

The disorganized style is mostly linked with childhood traumas, abuses, or growing up in a situation where caregivers provided security and at the same time scared their children, thus making it impossible for them to develop any kind of reliable coping strategy.

Why Your Attachment Style Is Important More than You Imagine

Your attachment style doesn’t only play a role in romantic relationships. It comes into play in your friendships, workplace relationships, and in the way you relate to yourself. It will determine whether you reach out for assistance or silently endure your pain, whether you trust people or keep your distance from them, and whether conflict pushes you towards them or makes you run away.

However, the most important point about attachment styles is that they are not fixed. Rather, they are simply learned behaviors which, with proper assistance, are entirely capable of changing. The consistent evidence from research demonstrates that psychotherapy, especially methods such as Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment-based therapy allows an individual to better comprehend his or her origins and move toward a secure attachment style.

Takeaway

If you find yourself identifying with any of these statements and starting to notice the impact that your particular attachment style is having on your relationship choices, you are off to a great start already. The next step would be to take it even further.

Consulting with a therapist through Blueroomcare will give you the chance to reflect on your attachment history, figure out what is causing you to repeat the same relationship patterns, and create connections that you really want to make.

• Need support? Start your care journey by booking a confidential therapy session and accessing daily journaling and wellness check-ins through the Blueroomcare App.
• Looking for more guidance? Explore our blog for more mental health tips.

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References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment-theory

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64286/