Comforting is not easy. Often you can’t think of the right words. Here you can find out how comforting can still be successful.
Your friend is devastated because her boyfriend broke up with her. Your boyfriend is disappointed because he got another bad grade. Your sister is withdrawing because she was offended by her friend, your mother is crying because her father passed away…
In such situations, you usually feel the need to reach out to the other person. But everything you can think of to say seems inappropriate, banal or insufficient. Such thoughts may come to us when we expect too much from comforting. It is not possible to take away the pain of those affected.
In many situations it takes time to get better. During this time, it is important to have people by your side who will go through the difficult time with you. By being there and listening, bearing with the fact that you are not in such a good mood, distracting you from time to time and taking your mind off things, giving you a hug, accompanying you, etc. All this is comforting. All this is comforting. When you are not feeling well, it is important to see that there are people who care about how you feel.
Comforting does not need many words
Comforting is about showing someone, “I can tell you’re not doing well – and I’m not indifferent to that.” Above all, it is also about conveying that the person is not alone. You don’t have to make big speeches or try to convince someone of anything. There are also not THE right words. Sometimes there may be no need for words at all. The most important thing is that someone is there who understands you and takes you in their arms. That is usually enough, even if you think you would like to do more. When you ask desperate people what helps them most, they often say, “Someone who just listens to me and is there.”
Comforting needs honesty
You might only want to comfort someone if you really have the willingness to deal with the other person’s situation. Sad people are very sensitive and can tell very quickly if someone really wants to know how you are doing or is just spouting a phrase. If you don’t have a lot of time, you could make sure that you only offer something that you can keep. Perhaps a sincere hug is sometimes more appropriate than promising to get back to you if you can’t.
Say what?
If you notice that someone is not feeling well and you don’t yet know why he/she is not feeling well, you could simply ask. E.g. “You seem unhappy/unhappy/absent somehow. What’s wrong?”, “Why are you crying? What happened?”, “I feel like you’re withdrawing – what’s the reason?”
Sometimes you already know why someone is feeling bad. Then, of course, it is inappropriate to ask such questions. In this case, you can often express compassion through body language, e.g. sitting next to the person, taking them in your arms, giving them a hug (if you find that appropriate) or putting your hand on their shoulder for a moment. Often one or two sentences are enough to show someone that you feel for them, for example: “I would like to be there for you. Do you want to tell me what you’re thinking about?”, “I feel for you. Would you like to talk?”, “I can understand that you are not feeling well. I think I would feel the same way.”, “I would like to help you, but I don’t know how.”
A distressed person may not “jump in” to your offer to talk right away – they may not be emotionally able to talk at the moment. In that case, you could ask if she is okay with you staying with her for a while or if it is okay if you get back to her later. Sometimes it can be important to accept when someone doesn’t want to talk or doesn’t want to talk yet. In this case, one idea would be to simply ask the person who is not feeling well if they want to do something to take their mind off it.
If someone tells you about their suffering, you can help them by showing understanding for their situation, e.g. “I’d be angry too if I were you!”, even though you might have behaved differently in the same situation. However, it does not help a suffering person in a moment of despair if you point out to him/her that he/she has done something wrong. This will only increase the despair. Such a thing may be more appropriate at a later time, in terms of what you can do better in the future to avoid such a situation.
If you have experienced something similar to the desperate person, it can sometimes be helpful to tell them about it, like: “I can imagine how you feel. This gives the person an idea of how to solve such a situation.
For an unhappy person who you are not close to or who you may not like, you can also ask someone else to take care of them, such as a teacher or friend of the person.
TIP:
Refrain from giving ‘advice’ and saying things like that.
Advice is often well-intentioned – but it is not what a desperate person needs. It can easily make them feel misunderstood. “You have to grit your teeth now!” may convey that one must not show any feelings.
Sayings like “after rain comes sunshine” also usually miss their mark, because suffering people often cannot imagine that better times will come again.
Playing it down, such as “I’m sure your friend didn’t mean it that way”, expresses doubts about the correct perception of the person who is suffering.
Sympathy and compassion could rather be expressed by: “That was totally mean and stupid of him/her!” or “I wouldn’t think that was OK either!
Is silence or crying bad?
When you sympathize with a person who is suffering, you may feel the same way as the person who is suffering. You are speechless, you don’t know what to do, you feel sad … This is quite normal and nothing bad. If you don’t know what to say, feel free to express it: “I don’t know what to say,” or “I’m shocked!” It is helpful for sufferers to realize that others in their situation also feel this way.
There is nothing wrong with being silent or crying together; on the contrary, it connects if you can share your pain with someone else. For many people, crying is associated with a liberating feeling. Even if you, as the comforter, also start to cry, it is only an expression of compassion and connection.
Stay in touch
Assume that an unhappy person will not be able to overcome their pain right away. Don’t be disappointed if his/her feelings don’t change for a long time – some things just take time. However, most sad people will find it pleasant if you keep asking how they are doing and if there is anything you can do for them. It is strengthening for those affected if there are people to whom they are “allowed” to tell their feelings again and again. Often, however, this is not easy for you to bear! Remember to find someone to talk to. You are welcome to contact us at any time.
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.