Parents are talking about separation and divorce? How can you deal with it? Here you will find information and tips.
Arguments happen in almost all relationships (both friendships and partnerships). But it can also be that at some point you don’t want to argue anymore and don’t see any chance of continuing the relationship with the other person. If one decides to spend life without this partner, it is usually not an easy decision. Divorce is a difficult situation for everyone involved, parents and children.
Is it really serious?
Sometimes, out of anger or hurt, you may say things in an argument that you don’t mean quite as harshly as they sound. You may have overheard your parents saying the word “divorce” in an argument. Clearly, this confuses you, makes you sad, etc. If you don’t want to wait until your parents discuss the subject with you, you can of course talk to them about it directly. The advantage of this option is that the topic is on the table and you can all talk about it. Of course, it can also be uncomfortable to talk to your parents about it, and it takes a bit of courage. But then you know where you stand.
TIP:
How can you find out?
- Tell them honestly that you have heard the word “divorce” in an argument. Ask what you want to know. But be sure to broach the subject in a calm moment.
- A letter or an email is possibilities if you don’t want to talk to them directly about it.
- You can also ask a trusted relative to mediate and support you in talking to your parents.
My parents want to get divorced…
When parents separate, it is a decision on the couple level; they separate from each other, but not from the children! When parents separate, it is because – for whatever reason – they no longer feel comfortable in their cohabitation. It can happen, for example, that they are drifting apart and have the feeling that they no longer fit together. Or there are other reasons that make it impossible to stay together. But you still have the right to see both of them. Nothing changes in their feelings towards you just because they no longer love each other.
Divorce brings a lot of change for the couple’s children. Fears and many other feelings can arise. This is completely normal. Sometimes children think they are to blame, but it is very important to know that you are not to blame for the divorce!
Allow feelings
All the feelings you have are justified and okay. You can decide for yourself how you want to deal with these feelings. Are you the type to talk about it directly with your parents or other confidants, or do you like to get things off your chest? Maybe you also paint or sing and dance to express your feelings? Or are you the sporty type and run or box? No matter what it is, as long as it is legal, the important thing is that you find your own personal outlet.
You are not alone!
If you ask around in your class or your circle of friends, you might find some people whose parents (have) divorced. You can ask them how they experienced the divorce and what has changed for them. They can tell you how they feel now and you can describe your own fears to them.
They have been through the situation and can tell you what helped them at the time. They may also be able to ease your fears or simply stand by you because they know exactly how this situation feels.
Can divorce also have positive sides?
A divorce often means not only that the parents no longer want to be together, but also that they no longer want to argue. It is also stressful for the children to witness the constant conflicts. Even if your parents are not arguing in a way that you can see, the tense atmosphere is still usually noticeable.
TIP:
- Even if it sounds strange at first, a divorce can also have its positive sides.
- The conflicts become fewer and the mood can relax again.
- Discussions and arguments cost a lot of time and energy, which can be used differently and better after the divorce.
Arguments and you in the middle?
Especially during separations, a lot of emotions are involved. Even though it is the parents’ job to keep you out of the conflict between them, they don’t always succeed. What is not OK is when…
- … arguments are carried out on your back.
- … you feel like you have to be the referee.
- … one parent talks badly about the other parent to you.
- … you think one parent is offended when you spend time with the other.
- … you have the feeling that you have to please both parents.
TIP:
- Make it clear that you don’t want to get involved and you don’t want to be dragged into it. This is between your parents and it should stay that way. You are still their child and don’t have to take sides.
- Talk to your parents about it, maybe one at a time. It may be that they are so deeply “caught up in the argument” that they find it difficult to empathize with you.
- You may also have to tell them more often that you don’t want to get involved, but don’t give up.
- If that doesn’t work or you don’t want to talk to your parents directly, you can ask people you trust to help you talk to your parents.
Divorce – who will I live with?
If you lose contact with one of your parents after a divorce
Can I prevent a divorce?
Even though the wish is understandable, you cannot prevent your parents from divorcing. It is a decision that only they can make. If they were to stay together because of the children, probably no one would feel very comfortable. After all, the tense situation is noticeable and stressful for everyone.
Young people also want to choose their partners and friends at school themselves and not have them chosen by their mother or father. Likewise, parents can only decide for themselves whether they still get along well enough to live together.
TIP:
- All people – even if they are parents – have the right to spend their lives with the partner(s) and friends they feel comfortable with. It is clear, however, that a divorce of your parents also affects you. The feelings that arise for you can be very different: Lack of understanding, sadness, anger, disappointment, etc. Therefore, it is important that you get support during this challenging time.
- Find someone with whom you can talk about it. You can do this with your parents, other relatives, teachers, friends, and confidants, counsellors at professional counselling centers and of course with us. Talking can be an outlet to let these feelings out. Sport is also a good option.
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.