When contact with the father or mother breaks off after the parents have separated, this is usually associated with many questions and strong feelings. Here you can find out how this can happen and what you can do about it.
After a separation or divorce of the parents, it can happen that contact with one parent suddenly breaks off or has gradually become less and less. Fortunately, this rarely happens. Most often, contact with the parent with whom one no longer lives together is affected.
What can lead to a break in contact with a parent?
There are many reasons why contact with a parent may be reduced or broken off. We have compiled some of these reasons for you:
Parents “hate” each other
Before parents separate, they usually try to work on solving their common problems for a long time. At some point they realise that this is no longer possible. This is then often associated with enormous disappointment. They are angry at themselves for not having succeeded. They are angry at the partner who perhaps did not contribute enough to make it possible. They are angry at each other because all hopes and dreams of the future have been dashed. Often this is compounded by disputes over financial demands, which do not make the situation any easier.
There are parents who, even over a long period of time, do not manage to overcome these feelings of disappointment, anger and perhaps also hatred towards their partner. Some parents remain trapped in their anger and make life difficult for each other.
This hatred of the other parent can then lead to one parent making it difficult for the other to see the child, badmouthing the other or telling the child untruths about him or her. As a child, one then no longer knows what to believe and may also be afraid of the other parent because of the lies. As a result, the child may no longer want to have any contact with the other parent, which leads to alienation. This has a name in psychological language and is called “parental alienation syndrome” or PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome).
TIP:
The right to contact with both parents
Every child has the legal right to contact with both parents, regardless of whether the parents get along or not. In the same way, every parent has a legal right to contact with their child. It does not matter whether the parents were married.
Feelings of shame on the part of the parent
Every now and then, after a separation, a parent feels that he or she has not been there enough for his or her family or that he or she has abandoned them. This can happen, for example, if a parent has fallen in love with someone else and this was a reason for the separation or if he/she has worked a lot and therefore had little time for the family. It is not easy to deal with such feelings. Sometimes it leads to a parent withdrawing.
False assumptions and misunderstandings
Parents and also children can assume something wrong about each other. A father/mother who has left the family for another woman/husband may think that his/her children do not like him/her because of this, although this may not be the case. Some of the separated parents think that young people only want to spend time with their peers and do not “need” them so much anymore – this is also often a false assumption.
TIP:
Sure, the situation is not easy, but it is worth telling the separated parent that you still like him/her very much and want to see him/her more often. This way you can prevent him/her from having false assumptions about your contact wishes.
New living situation of the parent
Sometimes the new living circumstances of the separated parent make it harder to see each other. This can be, for example, if he/she moves further away, has to work at weekends or has a new partner or family who want to spend time with him/her.
TIP:
Where there is a will, there is a way
Even if there are new life situations in the life of the separated father/mother, there may be ways to improve contact. There are many ways he/she can use to keep in touch: Phone calls, emails, video calls…..and also ways to change his/her life circumstances: asking the boss for different working hours, looking for a new job, moving house, making it clear to a new partner/family that contact with his/her child is important to him/her.
If you are concerned:
Maybe it suits you to tell your separated father/mother to fight for a change of the situation!
Between hope and fear
When contact with a separated parent is lost, questions arise that can be associated with strong feelings. It gradually becomes clear that someone who was always there and who was familiar to you is missing. This realisation hurts and is associated with questions: What is the reason? Will it stay like this?
If it is not possible to re-establish or improve contact over a longer period of time, a lingering feeling of sadness, loneliness or powerlessness may remain. The person may become more indifferent, defiant or angry and act out these feelings even with others who have little to do with the problem.
However, this does not have to be the case: Everyone has their own strategies for dealing with stress. Whether you can cope with a difficult situation also often depends on whether you get support from other people or seek support from others yourself.
What you can do if you are affected
TIP:
Seek contact yourself and express your wishes
- If you have little or no contact with your separated parent, don’t wait for him/her to get in touch, but call him/her yourself!
- Tell him/her how much you miss him/her!
- Tell him/her that you want more contact! Maybe you have to tell him/her that more often!
- Make very precise arrangements with the separated parent! Who will call whom again on which day and at what time? On what day and at what time will you see each other again?
- Make concrete suggestions about what you would like to do with him/her when you see each other!
Get support
- Don’t stay alone with your feelings and wishes! According to the motto – “A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved” – you will notice that it is usually relieving and liberating to confide in someone about your worries. Is there someone in your environment who is suitable for this: Father? Mother? Relatives? Friends? Teachers? Counselling centers?
- You can also ask someone to tell the separated father/mother that you need him/her more. Sometimes your grandparents, uncles or aunts are particularly suitable for this.
- Unfortunately, it is very rare that you do not succeed in re-establishing satisfactory contact with a separated father/mother, despite all your attempts. If you are unhappy for a long time because of this and feel that your life is being severely affected, psychotherapy can help to reduce the stress.
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.