The start of the new year marks a period when people see it as an opportunity to set new goals, leave limiting beliefs, and renew their levels of motivation. This marks a transitional period when people experience newness and progression towards positive growth.

However, when this transitional aspect of the start of the new year becomes synonymous with grief, it becomes agonizing when people experience pressure to mark this event with celebrations due to its significance.

The end of the year is full of rituals of joy, family gatherings, and great anticipation to be happy. For people who have lost someone in their life, such rituals that were once sources of comfort have become painful reminders of this fact. There is perhaps nothing as stressful as this conflict between the demands of the outer world, as opposed to the inner world.

It is important to realize that grief is not on holidays. In fact, it is important to realize that the purpose of the holidays is not necessarily to move past your grief or your sadness but to discover ways in which you can celebrate your loved one’s memory and your efforts to protect yourself at the same time. This is what is going to be explored in this article.

Why the Holidays Amplify Grief

Grief is an intricate process, but the hardest thing about the holidays is the pain they aggravate because they are founded upon memory and presence. Without an essential component, the framework of the holidays falls apart, and feelings of vulnerability and confusion ensue.

The most difficult part is the Tyranny of Tradition. Holidays become rituals: the shape of the table, cooking such-and-such a dish, taking such-and-such a vacation. Once the person connected with the rituals is no longer there, even performing the ritual is hard. Everything reminds you of the void in the places you remember. It is called contextual grieving, when certain places, certain songs, or even the smell associated with certain meals can evoke powerful associations with pain.

The Pressure to Perform Joy

This intense pain is further aggravated by the Pressure to Perform Joy. It is a social mandate to be joyful in December. As a person going through a grieving process, you experience an intense conflict within yourself. You are likely to feel substantial social pressure to “don the brave face” or to repress your authentic feelings to avoid draining the holiday spirit for those around you. But to repress your feelings is very damaging, as your energy is drained not through grieving but through performing normalness. But the fear of the inevitable queries, the empty chair, or the memories that are likely to emerge during a particular occasion creates enough anticipatory anxiety to drain your mental health, even before the holiday starts.

Setting Boundaries & New Rituals

Your job during this time is simply to safeguard your mental health and grant yourself the permission to grieve. This involves setting boundaries and adjusting the expectations that you have directed at yourself.

You have the unconditional right to scale back. You don’t have to do everything. Just smile and decline any event, tradition, or obligation which overwhelms you with grace and directness: “Thank you for inviting me, but I am keeping my schedule light this year.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your grief. To make this work, you must communicate your needs clearly with one or two trusted family members or friends who can serve as a shield for you. Assign a close friend or family who will understand your limitations and can get you out of a conversation that goes too deep or get you out of an event when you want to leave suddenly. This will reduce the social pressure and give you an outlet.

Developing New Micro-Traditions

Rather than trying to recreate large, hurtful traditions, try creating micro-traditions that pay tribute to the deceased without overwhelming a gathering as a whole. Lighting a particular candle in their honor, a brief pause for silence before a meal, or picking a new, smaller activity (perhaps making a new type of cookie) are all potentially helpful and do not come pre-attached to a hurtful memory.

Honoring the Absence and Creating New Forms of Presence

The healing comes from integrating the memory of the loved one into the present reality and not trying to pretend that the loved one never existed.

Recognizing the Empty Chair

Rather, trying to pretend the absence is not felt may be even more painful than confronting it. This year, consider establishing an empty chair and an accompanying photo at the table as reminders of those who will not be there and are missed.

Simply by acknowledging the absence, some of the anxiety associated with the unspoken truth will dissipate and make it possible for those who miss someone to honor those memories in a respectful and appropriate manner. 

The gift of giving back

For others, turning this pain into positive action may be very comforting. Think, for example, of the gift of giving back. Pick one thing in this holiday, for example, the money budgeted on this gift in their honor or the time spent preparing one of their favorite dishes) and apply it instead towards this meaningful act. Give money to this charity they were involved in or sponsor this meal in honor of theirs.

Emotional Time Blocking

Finally, apply the principle of Emotional Time Blocking. You can’t maintain such a level of grief from one end of the day to another, nor should you be made to be cheerful all the time. Assign yourself time blocks where you can reflect or participate. Assign yourself 30 minutes each day for ‘Dedicated Grief Time’ during which you can look at pictures or just cry with no interruptions. After which, dedicate yourself to finding yourself in the current moment. Assign yourself time blocks even for low-key engagements such as taking a 90-minute break with the movies with the family and afterwards taking a pass.

Takeaway

Pre-holiday stress is something that can be managed, only if you act on it. Smarter working means prioritizing your mental health, because, at the end of the day, it is your most valuable asset.

If the grief just feels crushing, or the worry of family gatherings, or just the overwhelming nature of your own schedule is already bringing you down, then this is your sign to go out and seek the professional help that you may require to establish and uphold those boundaries.

But there are some times when the weight of stress becomes just too heavy to carry, and that’s just fine. Blueroomcare is your safe companion for mental health. At Blueroomcare, we have licensed therapists with sound experience in dealing with high achievers, helping them navigate seasonal stress, conquer anxiety, and build impactful skills for effective boundaries.

• Need support? Book a virtual or in-person confidential therapy session today.
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• Looking for more guidance? Explore our blog for more mental health tips.