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What can you do if you are jealous yourself or if a jealous partner is annoying you? Click here to find out.
Jealousy – what is it?
The word jealousy comes from the Old High German words “eiver” = the bitter and “suht” = illness. The compound word, which incidentally has only existed since the 16th century, then means something like “bitter illness”. Jealousy stands for a mix of feelings that is usually experienced unpleasantly. To understand more precisely what jealousy is, you have to know what is behind it.
What is behind jealousy?
Jealousy often hides low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of loss, possessiveness and also the belief that one absolutely needs one’s boyfriend/girlfriend. Jealous people live in constant fear. They fear not being good enough, not getting something, losing someone.
When we think of jealousy, many people immediately think of it as a feeling that is triggered by external circumstances, because the other person behaves in a certain way or says something specific. Then we would have to be jealous, so to speak. However, in reality it is quite different. We trigger jealousy within ourselves. Normally, we have to look for the reason for jealousy within ourselves. Causes can be, for example, that we were hurt in the past, that we doubt ourselves, that we have low self-esteem or that we want to possess our partner.
How much jealousy is okay?
Short-term feelings of jealousy of a small degree are quite normal. You don’t have to worry about that. In fact, some people believe that a certain amount of jealousy is what makes relationships exciting. But how much is okay and when is the limit reached? Well, it’s like the salt in the soup, both partners in a relationship have to decide for themselves what is still okay for them. However, there are also very clear limits.
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“Pathological” jealousy
Jealousy can also take on pathological proportions that require treatment. This is the case, for example, when
- Someone is controlled (text messages and emails are read, bags are checked, etc.).
- Someone’s freedom is restricted.
- Someone is only preoccupied with the thought of losing or being unfaithful to their partner.
- All behavior on the part of the partner is considered cheating.
As a rule of thumb, one can also say that “pathological” jealousy exists when a person frequently reacts jealously in a way that others cannot understand the reason for, but also the severity of the reaction.
Jealous girlfriend/boyfriend – what to do?
In the case of harmless, short-term feelings of jealousy, it is usually enough to give your loved one a big hug and show him/her how much you love him/her in front of everyone or to explain the situation that has made him/her jealous.
In the case of intense jealousy, it does not help to talk to your loved one, to show him/her that you love him/her. “Pathologically” jealous people cannot accept this. It is very important with jealous partners not to restrict oneself in one’s own behavior, because this leads to worse and worse restrictions and has nothing to do with a happy relationship. So by all means go out with friends, wear whatever you feel like wearing, etc. It makes sense to talk to your girlfriend/boyfriend about your jealousy and ask him/her to organize help. For example, go to a counseling center.
I am jealous myself, what should I do?
If you notice that you are often and violently jealous, you should be honest with yourself. It is important that you realize that it is not your boyfriend/girlfriend who is to blame, but that it is you who is making yourself jealous. It is not your boyfriend/girlfriend who has to change, but you have to change something in yourself so that you can find a way to deal with your jealousy.
It often helps to get a better grip on your jealousy if you work on your self-confidence. People with more self-confidence are less jealous.
This is how you can strengthen your self-confidence!
Whenever you find yourself spouting catastrophic theories, sit down with a friend and try to work out how realistic your assumptions are.
Everything you ask of your friend, you should consider whether you would accept it yourself. Only ask for what you feel comfortable with.
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.