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“What, only one ‘good’?” “You have to train every day, not just three times a week …” Sound familiar? Read up on how you can help yourself if your parents are “over-ambitious”.
When parents demand more and more, it can feel just awful. You may even have the feeling that they only see your performance and nothing else. In principle, it is good and important when parents show interest and support. However, it can be that the parents’ behaviour feels like pressure instead of support. It often depends on the extent of what is still experienced as support and where pressure begins. Some parents, for example, expect much more than others and are therefore simply “over-ambitious”. Of course, such super high demands from parents can cause pressure and stress. Who wouldn’t feel that way? Maybe you also get the feeling that you can’t please your parents or that you’re never good enough.
Why parents are particularly ambitious can have many different reasons. How can this help you? If you know the reasons, then you can argue better in a conversation with them and maybe it will also make a difference to how you feel about them.
Reasons for “parental ambition”
Often parents just want the best for you. They want to give you everything they didn’t have in their childhood. But sometimes they overshoot the mark and don’t even notice how you feel.
Parents sometimes overlook what is important for YOU. They assume that their wishes are the same as yours, but “their best” does not necessarily mean “your best”.
Another explanation for special ambition in parents is that your parents naturally have dreams and wishes of their own. Sometimes parents have not been able to fulfill their dreams and try to realise their own wishes through their children. For example, if your parents have always wanted to learn to play tennis and put a lot of pressure on you to learn to play tennis or to stay in tennis. Or especially with regard to school: often your parents didn’t have the opportunity to take the Matura or to study because they didn’t have the money. But they want to make it possible for you…
In principle, it speaks for your parents that they want to make more possible for you than was possible for them, but it is important that you are not their substitute wish-fulfiller, but also have the freedom to do and become what YOU like.
It also happens that parents demand that you follow in their footsteps professionally. Especially when parents have built up their own business, they sometimes want it to continue. So that what they have created continues to exist and ideally stays in the family. If you want to take over the business, that’s fine; if you’d rather do something else, that’s also normal and okay, and in the best case it should be understandable for your parents. However, telling your parents that you want to do something else can cause a lot of pressure and anxiety.
Understanding does not mean justification
Even though you may now understand to some extent why your parents behave the way they do, it does not mean that your parents should continue to behave the way they do or that the feelings that arise in you are not justified. However, understanding your parents can help you in a conversation with them. One formulation could be: “Mum, I really appreciate that you want the best chances for me, or that you want me to have better chances than you had and to be able to take the Matura. And yet it would be my wish … to study and not to take the Matura”.
Or on the subject of taking over a farm: “I know that you want the farm to continue. Unfortunately, farming, for example, is not at all what I want to do and what I want to be happy with. I would much rather become….. (Sometimes it helps to describe why exactly this profession excites you and what you would enjoy about it). But I could imagine, for example, supporting you for a few hours so that you can look around for someone who will take over the business later on.”
Tips for “over-ambitious” parents
If you suffer from “over-ambitious” parents, it can help to talk to them. Maybe your parents don’t realise how their statements come across to you. Sometimes several conversations are necessary because you often fall into habitual patterns and so your parents, despite their efforts, may also fall back into “over-ambitiousness”.
- Tell your parents how you feel when they constantly push you to do things and put pressure on you. Your parents may not be aware of the feelings you are getting from their behaviour.
- If your parents’ pressure is too much for you, tell them directly. Tell them that everything is too much for you and that you can’t go on like this. You can also suggest that you sit down together to think about which goals are important to you and, above all, which goals you can realistically achieve.
- If you have an adult with whom you get along well – maybe an aunt, uncle, grandparents or a guidance counsellor – you could ask this person to talk to your parents or bring this person as a support to a discussion between you and your parents.
- If necessary, this confidant can also talk to your parents about your parents realising their dreams themselves, because you have your own dreams. This is usually easier for outsiders than for your own daughter/son.
- It is best to have a quiet moment for such a conversation, e.g. you can ask your parents when they have time because you would like to discuss something with them. Or you can go for a walk together and talk during the walk.
- If it’s easier for you to write down what’s on your mind, you can also write a letter or email to your parents.
- If you prefer to talk to one parent alone first, that’s fine too.
- Another good way is to show your parents how much you actually do. For example, write down what you do every day for a week.
- And above all, it’s not just about what you do, but how you are as a person. If you don’t feel seen by them, tell them what you would like them to see. For example, that you are there for others when they are unwell, that you are good at sports, that you are helpful or particularly creative.
Ambition as motivation?
A certain amount of ambition can be motivating. Sometimes external motivation is helpful when your own motivation is not so strong. You can let yourself be infected by this motivation and use it to activate yourself.
But it really depends on the extent – too many demands and too high expectations create an uneasy feeling. You may feel pressured or as if you will never be able to fulfill these demands, no matter how hard you try. This, in turn, does not activate at all, but blocks.
Emotional chaos
In such a situation, very different feelings arise. Perhaps anger arises or self-doubt develops. Or the feeling of not being able to please the parents becomes loud. This can also trigger fear. It takes strength to deal with these feelings. Sometimes you notice that you feel exhausted and drained for a while, or you are easily irritable, cannot sleep so well and restfully, withdraw more, etc. You may also feel that you are not able to cope with these feelings. It can also happen that you suddenly deteriorate in a subject you are actually really good at as a reaction.
It is important to know that all these feelings are allowed to arise and are “normal”. Many people find it helpful when dealing with these feelings not to remain alone and to confide in someone. Another possibility is to look at the causes and differentiate: If, for example, parents want to impose their dreams on you, then the actual problem (the unfulfilled dreams) is a problem of your parents and can only be solved by them. This is not and cannot be your task! And you may make this clear and protect yourself from taking over something.
Feel into yourself what is helpful for you in the stress and in dealing with the feelings that arise. Talking about it, writing it down, painting, texting, spending time with friends, cuddling pets, taking time for yourself, going for a walk, exercising, etc. can help some people.
Demands from others
In the course of growing up, all of us are confronted with different demands or wishes from other people. It is often a question of checking for yourself which demands you think are good and which you would rather say goodbye to. It is quite normal to pursue a different goal from time to time and to find something that suits you differently from what other people think. Always trying to please everyone would mean not pleasing yourself. At the same time, you feel best what suits you and what does not. It is therefore okay and important to take your own wishes seriously and not to please your parents, but to follow your own path.
If parents have demands that do not encourage and support you, but instead put you under pressure and hinder you, this is a stressful situation. Don’t stay alone with the burden, talk to your parents, involve people you trust for support, etc. You can also contact us. You are also welcome to contact us – to “just get everything off your chest”, to prepare for a talk with your parents, etc.
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.