Is your mother or father depressed, addicted or schizophrenic? How can you cope if a parent is mentally ill?
There are many different mental illnesses. What they all have in common is that they affect the person with the illness. For example, emotional life, behaviour, perception, thinking or the ability to relate to others may be affected. Psychological, social and genetic causes play a role in the development of the disease. It can be difficult for people with the disease to change something, or they often need support from outside.
Mum and/or Dad is/are different…
Sick parents (or parts of them) sometimes behave unpredictably or inconsistently. This is often difficult to understand and can of course make you feel insecure. A mental illness is no less stressful than any other illness. Affected parents (or parts thereof) can also be overwhelmed with the role of parent. Often, as a child, you take on tasks that are actually a parent’s responsibility.
Some mental illnesses also affect the way people feel and express their feelings. For people close to them, it can feel as if they are less loved. Even if conversations make it clear that this is not true, it is still not easy to deal with.
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As a child, you always have the right to have your needs met, including emotional needs, whether the parent is ill or not. A stable relationship with a healthy adult is therefore important. This can also be a relative if it is not possible with the parents.
Feelings of shame can arise
Many feel ashamed if the parent(s) has/have a mental illness. This is a normal reaction, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Often people try to keep the illness a secret as long as possible and live their lives outwardly as if everything were “normal”. However, it is more useful to get support. This makes dealing with the disease less of a taboo. That is usually very relieving.
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Dare to talk about it and get support! Mental illnesses are just as much diseases as physical illnesses (e.g. a broken leg) – they are nothing to be ashamed of!
The behaviour of the person with the illness can be frightening
Every mental illness has its own symptoms. These may make the person’s behaviour seem strange or unusual. Unknown or incomprehensible things can be frightening. Therefore, get information about the illness and talk to people you trust about your fears and worries.
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You can get information about the disease from various organisations.
- For example, FMOH Nigeria offers help for relatives of mentally ill people (the link to the homepage can be found below).
- There are so-called relatives’ groups that you can join and get information from. You can ask us for contact details on the phone.
- If some of your parents are undergoing treatment, you can ask for an information session with the doctor/psychotherapist.
- We are always open to your questions and can provide you with information.
Beware of role reversal!
Parents who are ill are often unable to carry out everyday tasks. It often happens that the child takes over the parent’s tasks – the roles are reversed, so to speak. When this happens, it can be the case that you suddenly go shopping, cook, manage the household, take over the education of the siblings, take them to school and pick them up, do homework with them, solve difficult problems on your own in order not to burden the parents, etc. It makes a difference whether you sometimes do the shopping, cook, take care of the household, take care of the siblings, take them to school and pick them up, do homework with them, solve difficult problems on your own in order not to burden the parents, etc.
It makes a difference whether one sometimes takes on a few duties or permanently bears too much responsibility. The children of mentally ill people seem more adult to outsiders than one would expect from their age. This is because they become independent at an early age and carry a lot of responsibility. Many do not show the heavy burden to the outside world and try to impose as little as possible on their parents. They are then particularly committed to school, for example. Some begin to rebel when the burden is too great.
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- Even if your parents are ill, you have the right to live your life and develop at your own pace – get support and pass on tasks to relatives, for example, so that you have time for yourself again!
- If you notice yourself or a friend becoming extremely withdrawn or rebellious, talk to someone you trust about it. Maybe there is a massive stress behind it.
Feelings of guilt, anger and sadness?!
As the erratic behaviours are difficult to understand, many may blame themselves. Possible explanations for themselves can be reproaches (e.g. “I was not good enough”).
The illness of the parent(s) and the changes it brings about often make people angry. Although it is perfectly understandable to be angry about it, this anger in turn triggers a feeling of guilt – namely that one has such feelings towards the parent(s).
Feeling sad about the situation is also a perfectly understandable and normal reaction. In order to process it, it is important to allow this sadness to happen – see what suits you and is good for you. You can find tips on how to do this in the link below.
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- It is NOT your fault that the person with the illness is feeling this way. Mental illnesses are just as much illnesses as physical illnesses – there is no one to blame!
- It is understandable and okay to feel angry or sad. Feelings always have a background – find someone to talk to about them. If you like sports, this can be a way to vent.
Tips for sadness can be found here
What about friends?
Sometimes children of parents with mental illness isolate themselves from the world around them and become outsiders. It can also happen that schoolmates or friends who know about the illness of the parent(s) cannot cope with it.
Loyalty conflicts can also arise. An example of this can be the following consideration “Do I go out with my friends or do I prefer to stay at home and support my parents?” Such loyalty conflicts are very unpleasant because each alternative brings disadvantages.
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- Have the courage to talk openly about the mental illness of your parent(s). You can ask your teacher to support you. If you like, you can also ask for a lesson in which the class can talk about mental illness.
- Despite parent(s)’ illness, you have a right to friends, going out, hobbies, free time and the like – involve relatives or other support services so that tasks can be shared.
The essentials at a glance:
- Unpredictable behaviour can be scary – get information about the condition as the unknown makes you even more scared!
- It is NOT your fault that the person with the illness is feeling this way. Mental illnesses are just as much illnesses as physical illnesses (e.g. a broken leg).
- That you may feel sadness or anger is understandable and healthy – find people to talk to about it.
- Don’t take on all the responsibility, give a lot of it to relatives or other people – you don’t have to manage your parent’s life!
- Get as much support as possible, both in the sense that there are people you can talk to about the burden and that you are really actively supported (e.g. someone goes shopping, etc.).
- Don’t forget about yourself and your needs – you are important!
TIP: You are important
- Even if your parent(s) are unwell, you don’t have to feel bad if you are happy and have a good day. Especially when the stress is high, time out where you can get away and be happy is incredibly important.
- It’s not your job to do all the housework, look after your siblings and cook on top of that.
- Ask relatives for help so that you are not burdened with everything.
- Your needs are important and legitimate, as are your hobbies.
- There are many mental health services that offer support for you and your family (see links below).
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.