Provoked!?! — What To Do?

Here are some ideas on what to do when someone provokes you.

In the course of our lives, we all find ourselves in situations from time to time where we are provoked by other people, e.g. from schoolmates, friends, work colleagues to unknown, aggressive people.

“Being provoked means that someone challenges us and wants to provoke a reaction in us. For example, someone says to you “Why are you looking at me so stupidly? However, a provocation does not always have to be meant in a bad way. A teacher who responds to your answer by saying, “I don’t understand that. You’ll have to explain it to me in more detail!” may not want to embarrass you, but to challenge you to think more about the subject.

What does he/she want?

Sometimes it can be helpful to first think about what might be behind a provocation. Some people may provoke

• To get attention from others.
• To make themselves big by making others small.
• To distract from their own weaknesses.
• To show others that they are the strongest and most superior.
• Because they are jealous.
• Because they are bored.
• Because they are already aggressive and want to act out their aggression.

How to react?

Unfortunately, there is no simple strategy that you can use in all situations. You may have to try different things to find out which behaviours suit you and can make the provocations stop.

It also matters if you have to fear that the provoking person might become physically violent. With physically violent people you often have to behave differently than with non-violent people. This distinction is certainly not always easy to make, but in some cases it is possible, for example, if you have known the provoking person for a long time.

Behavioural tips for provocations

TIP:

Observe

Even if it sometimes seems like it? You are not the only person who is provoked. You could consciously observe in your class or in your work how other people deal with being provoked. Often you can “learn” valuable strategies.

Pay attention to body language

Through your body language, you can show that you don’t put up with everything and appear confident to others. For example, if a schoolmate says something stupid to you, you could make sure that you

• Make yourself as tall as possible and stand up straight (e.g. do not remain seated, but stand up and turn towards the other person),
• Look him/her in the eye,
• Speak loudly and firmly.

Counter verbally

We all know these situations: We are provoked and want to say something back, but we can’t think of anything suitable at the moment. Annoying! But: “repartee” in conversation can be learned and trained! Most of the time it is better to avoid using swear words, because by using swear words you show that you feel hit.

Examples of responses that may be appropriate in different situations:

“You did a great job of memorizing that line! Congratulations!” or “Oooohooo, you’re funny. Wow!” or “You’re my role model!” (If someone thinks you look bad, for example).

You can find many ideas for quick-witted answers in books. For example, for provocations at school: “Schlagfertig auf dem Schulhof” by Matthias Pöhm, Moderne Verlagsgesellschaft MvG.

Verbal counter-attacking has to be learned

TIP:

Humor

If you manage to react to the provocation with humor, you show that you don’t feel hit and may be able to “defuse” tense situations.

E.G.: Boy says “Gay!” to another boy or girl says “Lesbian!” to a girl. Example response: “Don’t get your hopes up!” or “You’re so ugly!”. Response example: “Pretty stupid that you’re always looking at me when you think I’m so ugly!”

Behaving unusually

You can also succeed in spoiling someone’s desire to be provoked if you do something that the other person would not expect? E.g. something totally exaggerated or crazy. By doing this, you can upset the provoking person and perhaps make them feel insecure. They may not know how to deal with it and may be less likely to provoke you in the future.

For example, someone insults you. You could sob and cry in a totally exaggerated hysterical way? But in such a way that everyone notices that it is not real, or say “I’m afraid your insult hasn’t hit me hard enough yet! But maybe you can do even better! Try harder!” If he/she continues: “Unfortunately, it still didn’t work! Go on!” (Keep going until the other person gets too stupid).

Practicing behavior

Often we don’t know how to deal with provocations because they hit us unexpectedly and we are surprised. You may be able to deal with provocations better if you prepare for them and practise a possible reaction to them.

For example, you could imagine typical situations in which someone provokes you. Then stand in front of a mirror and act out the situation. You can try out how you might react. If you are provoked again, it will be easier for you to react appropriately and you will feel more confident. If you have a good friend, you can of course also play through such provocative situations with him/her.

Beware of the danger of violence!

If you have the feeling that the other person(s) might become physically violent, it is advisable to behave in such a way that there is no physical confrontation, even if you feel stronger and superior. In a physical confrontation, there is always a risk that you or the other person will be hurt, even if it was not intended. Also, if you hurt someone (even unintentionally), you can be prosecuted for assault. If, for example, you are approached by a group of aggressive people, you usually can’t be sure whether someone might pull out a weapon.

For further help and support  — Speak with a licensed therapist today.