Blueroomcare
It is not talked about much, but it does exist – sexual assaults against boys, perpetrated by adult men or women. Only some of the boys who have experienced an assault talk about it. Others do not – this can have different reasons.
Images of “being a man”
In society, certain role models of boys and men still exist. A boy/man should be strong, brave and invulnerable. Sayings like “An Indian knows no pain” or “A man goes his own way” also contribute to these role models. Such role models can make it difficult to talk about sexual transgressions.
TIP:
Such role stereotypes have little to do with the reality of feelings that boys and men have. Boys and men are also sometimes sad, weak, vulnerable or powerless, and they are allowed to be, show and say this!
Influence by the person being assaulted
Another reason why it can be difficult for boys to talk about sexual assault is because they are influenced and manipulated by the assaulting adult.
Adults who are sexually assaulting are often very targeted. They look for opportunities to make contact in places where boys hang out, e.g. sports fields, parks, swimming pools, shopping centers or online in social networks, chats or forums. They specifically try to create an atmosphere of trust, for example by taking an interest in the boy’s problems. When this happens on the internet, it is called cyber-grooming.
This trusting atmosphere is later used by the adult for sexual transgressions. Often they use apparent “explanations” to influence the boy and justify the sexually assaultive behavior. E.G.
“You wanted that too – I saw that.”
“That’s all right – sexuality is something quite normal”.
“You just matured very early and are a great lover”
“You had an erection – so you liked it!”
And many more.
Such statements are meant to make the boy feel insecure and convince him that he also wanted the sexual acts – that he would be “complicit”, so to speak.
TIP:
You are not complicit. The person who assaulted you is only trying to convince you of that! Be careful if you have the feeling that someone is trying to persuade you to have sex or is threatening you about it – this should not really happen during sex. Listen to your feelings; you have the right to stop at any time. Only do what you really want to do.
Fears of possible consequences
Fears of the possible consequences can also make it difficult to talk about a sexual assault. Fears may arise because of threats from the sexually assaulting adult, for example.
“If you say anything, I’ll hurt you or your family!”
“If you say anything, I’ll put photos and videos of you on the internet – so everyone can see you’re gay!”
“No one will believe you because you’ve always been a problem child and you’ve lied before!”
“…, then you’ll end up in a home because your parents didn’t take good care of you!”
TIP:
Our licensed therapists at Blueroom Care know very well that fears can arise because of such threats. If you have been sexually assaulted, you can talk or write to us about these fears in complete confidence. We can talk about your fears and show you what options there might be.
Stiff penis?
When a sexual boundary is crossed, sometimes pleasant feelings or a penis erection can occur, which can make the boy feels insecure. However, this does not mean that a boy wanted it, enjoyed it or that it was not a sexual assault. The fact that a penis gets hard when someone fiddles with it can be a purely mechanical reaction. You also can’t tell if someone is gay or not by looking at it. Some boys wonder if you can become gay through sexual assault. This is not possible.
Be especially careful if..:
… you feel you are being watched:
E.g. if you notice that adults are taking a conspicuous interest in children and young people in recreational facilities, parks or means of transport, or if you have the feeling that someone is following you.
TIP:
- Don’t stay alone.
- Seek the proximity of other adults.
- Go to other adults or to a shop and tell them you feel someone is following you.
- Call a trusted adult and keep talking until you are safe.
- It can also make sense to inform the police that an adult is behaving in a conspicuous manner.
… adults make tempting offers:
E.g. on cigarettes, on alcohol, inviting them to smoke pot, inviting them to gamble in the flat, etc.
TIP:
- Stay suspicious when someone makes such offers! Why does he/she do it? What does he/she get out of it?
- It is better to refuse strange offers
- Never let yourself be invited alone
- Do not let yourself be separated from friends.
… adults often talk about sexual topics:
E.g. often make sexual innuendos or take an interest in your sexual experiences. It may be that a sexually assaultive person wants to create a mood in this way to make it easier to cross sexual boundaries.
TIP:
- Show clearly and unambiguously that you do not want to talk about sexual issues if it is inappropriate for you to do so
- Say you’re not interested and don’t let them persuade you to do it.
- You can do the same if someone invites you to watch porn together and you don’t want to.
… adults touch you noticeably often or are interested in your body:
For example, they may put their arm on your shoulder, reach for your thigh, want to see your naked torso, take photos with you in certain poses.
TIP:
- If physical contact goes too far for you, show it clearly: sit away, take a step to the side or somewhere else, turn away from a hug, etc., or say you don’t want it.
- Don’t join in if you have a funny feeling.
- Talk to a trusted person about it if it is difficult to keep someone at a distance.
… adults try to persuade you to keep something secret:
E.g. you should not tell anyone that you are often in contact, that you have become close, that you have skipped school, etc.
TIP:
- There are good and bad secrets, good ones make you feel good, bad ones do not. If you don’t feel good about a secret, find someone you can trust to talk to about it.
- You can also think confidentially with us about how you want to deal with such requests.
… you only know someone through the internet:
The internet makes it easy to hide a person’s real identity. A photo of someone of the same age can actually be a completely different (adult) person, or someone can deliberately give a false age. There are also criminals who exploit the sexual curiosity of young people in this way in order to blackmail them later with demands for money (sextortion, Skype sexcam trap).
TIP:
- Give as little information about yourself as possible to people you only know online, never give their name or place of residence.
- Respect your privacy settings in social networks
- Be cautious if sexual topics come up very quickly
- Only arrange first meetings with people you have met online in places where there are other people who can support you.
- Remember that everything you do in front of a webcam can be filmed.
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.