Blueroomcare
27% of 11-18 year olds have been sexually harassed online. How can you defend yourself against sexual harassment online? Find out what the laws are here.
What happens online is sometimes not taken all that seriously and tends to be dismissed, often even excused. This happens time and again with sexual harassment that happens on the internet. Some even think they are responsible for sexual harassment themselves. WTF? No matter how you present yourself, nothing justifies crossing the line! You can absolutely present yourself exactly the way YOU want. No one is allowed to sexually harass you!
What happens?
Some of you have probably had transgressive reactions and comments to what you’ve posted. Picking up lines, cruel comments or being urged to send nude photos are just a few examples. Or an initial hot flirtation turned into something that feels uncomfortable, goes too far and is not what you want. Maybe the other person became pushy and wanted a meeting or a naked picture.
If you are often confronted with such boundary violations, you may start to find it “normal” to have such reactions to what you post. Some people may also think that they have to learn to deal with it themselves and do something about it. They may also feel ashamed and try to deal with it on their own instead of talking to someone.
Inside, this new way of looking at things is often a kind of protection against the comments you are exposed to. The fact that you want to do something about it yourself gives you room to manoeuvre and you feel as if you can have a say again. Even if these inner protective mechanisms are understandable, it is still actually a twisted world: someone else does something that is clearly and very noticeably wrong and you yourself try to take responsibility for dealing with it. It should be clear that sexual harassment and other transgressions offline and online have no place and should not be allowed to happen in the first place.
When it no longer feels good…
Sometimes you feel it immediately, sometimes only in the course of a conversation that it is going in a direction where you don’t feel comfortable. At first, the flirtation may have been exciting and appealing, you may also feel caught off guard and then you clearly feel that it has gone too far and you don’t want it that way anymore. This feeling is totally important to take seriously! Even if you are no longer sure whether you want something or not, that is a clear sign. Take it seriously.
Stop is always allowed!
No matter what you have written before, no matter if photos have been exchanged, no matter what you have agreed on – you are allowed to change your mind at any time; it is ok to block the other person; you are allowed to end the chat or write that you don’t want to do it now; it is also ok to take time to think about it if you feel blindsided etc. We know that this is often not the case. We know that this is often not easy either. This is what perpetrators also play with. If you need support in formulating your message, get in touch with us. There is also the app ZIPIT, which has memes and GIFs that you can send to people who are being stupid. Maybe you’ll find it easier that way.
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You are NEVER to blame!
You may have heard someone justify sexual harassment, for example by saying that they provoked it (e.g. through behaviour or clothing). But this is clearly wrong! It is never “your own fault” that someone else crosses a line. No matter how you behave, how you dress, no matter what gender you are, no matter how you present yourself!
What is punishable in cases of sexual harassment on the internet?
If nothing happened in “real life”, then you can’t do anything anyway. Do you know this statement? Many people believe that harassment via mobile phones, apps, social networks etc. is not punishable. But that is not the case at all. There are even laws that only apply to actions that happen via digital devices. It also doesn’t matter whether a person in a shared space or via e.g. a webcam urges someone to satisfy themselves, for example. In both cases this is clearly forbidden and punishable! How do you get a feeling for what is actually already clearly punishable?
An important aspect is voluntariness. For example, it happens from time to time that one decides to exchange erotic pictures with a person from the internet in a flirtation. If both are over 18 and wanted these photos, this is also allowed in the sense of self-determined sexuality. From the age of 18, you can decide with whom and in what way you want to live your sexuality. And if you want to show yourself sexy on a webcam, then you are allowed to do so. But it’s clear that no one can push you into it!
Because as soon as you feel pressure or fear, this is an important indication that these feelings may have been triggered by a punishable act. For example, if you don’t want to send any (further) photos yourself, but the other person doesn’t respect this and demands further pictures or a meeting, possibly with the threat that otherwise the pictures you have already sent will be forwarded. This is clearly forbidden and several aspects come together:
- The threat to spread the already sent pictures is punishable. It is a dangerous threat.
- If such a dangerous threat demands, for example, further photos or a meeting, this is called coercion.
- If the naked pictures of you were actually distributed, that would also be illegal. Either (until you are 18) this would fall under the distribution of child pornographic material; if you are over 18, the right to one’s own image regulates that recordings may not be published that expose someone or are detrimental to the person in the recording.
If you are under 14 and are persuaded by someone to send pornographic images of yourself, simply asking for that photo is a criminal offence! This is called solicitation and would be punishable as cyber-grooming, also the possession of these then child pornographic images is clearly punishable for the person. If one is under 14 years old and is urged to masturbate in front of a webcam, this is punishable. If a boy or girl complied with this request – whether under pressure or without being pushed – the person who made the request would clearly be liable to prosecution for sexual abuse. It is also punishable if one is already over 14 years old and is intimidated or pressured to satisfy oneself in front of a webcam.
Here you can read about how to protect yourself from cyber-grooming.
More and more often, young people tell us that they have been sent a pornographic picture, e.g. of a stiff penis, without wanting to. This is transgressive and absolutely not OK. It’s totally understandable that they find it unpleasant and perhaps even gruesome! After all, a picture of someone you like can be quite nice. But unasked, it’s clearly not OK.
Of course, “upskirting” shots are also forbidden. In other words, no one is allowed to take pictures of you “up your skirt” or of your cleavage without your consent. Such unauthorised images include images of the intimate area, genitals, buttocks or female breasts. Even the taking of such pictures is punishable, even if intimate parts are still covered by pants. It is also forbidden to take pictures from rooms where you are otherwise protected from prying eyes, such as the toilet or changing rooms. Even if such a recording is published, it is clearly punishable.
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Confidence helps
If you notice that a contact is going in an unpleasant direction, get support. Confide in someone, it just feels better to share something unpleasant with someone than to carry it around alone. Feel free to contact us – together we can work out what you can do next.
What to do if someone writes to you in an unpleasant way
As soon as you feel uncomfortable, have the courage to break off contact. Block the person so that they can no longer contact you. Of course, you can also report the person to the respective platform. However, this is usually only possible before you block them – so first report them, then block them. The person will not know who reported them! Don’t worry!
You don’t have to explain anything to this person, but can distance yourself and simply be “gone”. Sometimes you might not dare to do this, in which case the following tip could help you:
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“Say “no
Sometimes pictures say more than 1000 words. Maybe you know the app ZIPIT. In this app you can find GIFs and memes that you can use to respond to unpleasant requests. Of course, you can also create something like this yourself. An example of how you could respond to a request for a dirty nude picture is a picture of a dirty toilet with the text “Is this dirty enough for you?”
File a complaint
If someone does something that is punishable, you can file a complaint with the police. It is helpful to save the screenshots of the chats and other evidence and to take them with you. It is usually easier to take a trusted adult with you. Please feel free to contact us. Together we can discuss which actions are punishable and what information you need to file a complaint. You can file a complaint at any police station.
TIP:
Pay attention to yourself. If something creates pressure or fear in you, it might also be punishable. And even if the other user’s behaviour is not (yet) a criminal offence, his/her behaviour can be transgressive and make you uncomfortable. Listen to your feelings when something feels inappropriate or just not really good anymore.
Hitting on, sure. Harassing, clearly no!
We were really concerned because in our study some said that you just have to put up with sexual harassment because boys just can’t help it. Yes, of course boys can do otherwise. And not only can they do differently, most of them also want to and do differently. Many boys contact us when they notice that their friend is uncomfortable. They are often unsure and wonder what they should do. It is important to them not to do anything that the other person does not want.
Harassment happens to boys and girls and there are also men and women among the perpetrators. When someone harasses, he/she clearly crosses a line and in many cases also commits a crime. And no, that is not normal and definitely yes, boys can, want and do things differently!
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.