What should you do if you find it too much to argue with your mum and dad? Here are some tips for when your parents don’t understand you or treat you unfairly.
As a child, you believe almost everything your parents tell you. But at some point, for many at the beginning of puberty, you start to question what your parents say, do, think and dictate. You form your own opinion; develop your own wishes and needs, which often do not correspond to the needs and opinions of your parents. This often leads to arguments. And that is a good thing!
Arguing must be learned
Arguments between young people and parents are important. After all, at some point you have to “practice” arguing. And the best people to do this are those who love you very much and who also forgive you a lot. If you were to start arguing for the first time, e.g. with your boss at work, it would probably have worse consequences.
This “argument phase” has been set up by nature, so to speak. However, it is not only about practicing arguing, but also about the gradual detachment from parents. That is, to dare to make one’s own decisions and to have one’s own opinion, even if the parents don’t share it.
Arguing is annoying
Just because the constant arguing makes sense doesn’t mean that it isn’t annoying. It is quite the opposite, many people are saddened by the fact that they are suddenly at loggerheads with their parents and no longer feel understood. Others are completely unnerved because there are only arguments at home and there is no place left to be quiet. Sometimes the situation escalates and people get into each other’s hair over every little thing. For example, because the room isn’t tidy, the rubbish hasn’t been taken away; mum has brought the wrong gel home, and so on.
Arguing is part of puberty, but it doesn’t have to escalate:
TIP:
You can only change yourself
People often wish that others would change. But everyone can only change something about themselves, and those around them must then automatically react. If it annoys you that all you do is argue, think about how you behave in situations where you clash. It is helpful to first think about whether something you have said is true. If you show willingness to compromise on at least one small thing, you give the other person a chance to relent. In the case of remarks that make you lose your temper, consider whether it is sometimes easier to ignore them and think your own way.
Suggest compromises
Your parents are always nagging you and you can’t even hear it anymore. It’s worth listening to them. What really bothers them? For example, they want you to help out more around the house. Think about what you could imagine doing, but what is definitely too much for you. In a quiet minute, offer them what you could imagine doing. In return, ask them not to hold every little thing against you. If you also keep a record of the agreements somewhere, then the next time they nag you, you can counter that you have kept to the agreement.
Bad language and insults are taboo
Of course, when you are angry, things can get loud and you often can’t control yourself. Nevertheless, there are limits that must not be crossed. An argument is hurtful enough as it is. In any case, refrain from using swear words and insults. Especially if the person you’re talking to may be lashing out. Because when everything has calmed down again, it’s clear who has to apologise!
Talk about your feelings
Avoid accusations such as “You don’t love me anymore” or “I’m just a doormat for you anyway. Use “I” messages to show what the argument triggers in you, e.g. “Lately I’ve had the feeling that you don’t understand me anymore. It hurts me.” “It makes me angry when you talk to me like that.”
Mutual understanding
You don’t feel understood by your parents; they accuse you of the same thing. First reaction: They should start doing it. But what if your parents think the same? Then there will probably never be any understanding. Of course it’s often difficult, but it’s worth a try. Try to put yourself in your parents’ shoes. They have the responsibility, they can be held accountable if something happens to you, they often don’t know how to deal with you, and so on. Sometimes you can also end an argument very quickly by simply saying, “You mum, dad, can it be that you are worried?” Combined with suggestions of what you do to make them feel safer can work wonders.
Bad day
Everyone has a bad day, both you and your parents. If you notice when you get up that you’re having a bad day and you approach your parents that way, apologise afterwards and be honest and say that you got up on the wrong side of the bed. If you notice that it’s not “good fun” with your parents today, then try to avoid them and, above all, don’t ask them anything that’s really important to you.
What if boundaries are crossed?
In a quarrel, your parents will probably also become loud and throw not so nice words at you. But if insults, verbal abuse or nastiness are the order of the day, then it may already be psychological violence. And this has nothing to do with an argument! A limit has been reached here, clearly also when you are being beaten.
What you can do if there is not an argument but already violence, you can read here:
Even without violence, things can go too far
In spite of all indulgence and understanding, there are also parents who really can’t be made right. Where even more is forbidden and nagged. Even if there is no violence in the family, there are limits! It is important to look at each case in particular to see whether it has really gone too far and how you can behave so that you feel more comfortable at home again. Just call us or send us an online request, then we can assess your situation together with you and give you some tips!
For further help and support — Speak with a licensed therapist today.