Healthy Relationship Boundaries: A Guide for People-Pleasers

The problem with boundaries, especially for people-pleasers, is that they can be very difficult, and as such, people-pleasers may experience emotional exhaustion and resentment, among other issues, in their relationships.

If your initial reaction to every situation is to please everyone else while your own desires and needs collect dust in the corner, then congratulations, you’re a people-pleaser! And while being nice and caring for everyone else sounds like something out of a fairy tale, the truth of the matter is, you’re probably exhausted, resentful, and wondering what all the fuss is about.

When people-pleasers focus more on other people and their issues, they may experience emotional exhaustion, and their sense of self may be affected. Setting boundaries, therefore, is important for people-pleasers, and in this guide, we will discuss what boundaries are, what people-pleasers face when dealing with boundaries, signs of needing boundaries, and steps for people-pleasers to start setting boundaries.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are basically the limits you create around what you consider acceptable and not acceptable when it comes to the way people treat you, what you are willing to do, and the way you spend your time and energy. They are, if you will, the property lines around your mental and emotional space, marking where you end and other people begin.

Boundaries are a problem for people-pleasers because, at our core, we have been taught to believe that putting our own needs first is a bad thing, and that failing to meet the expectations of others is a crime worthy of punishment. So we over-function, over-give, and over-please until we are exhausted and wondering why no one appreciates anything we do.

Boundaries are not mean, nor are they selfish; they are, however, the building blocks of any good relationship. Without them, you invite resentment, toxic people, and a complete and utter loss of self as you continue to try and make everyone else happy.

Signs You Need Better Boundaries

Not sure if you need to work on boundaries? Let’s check:

• When you want to say no, you say yes and then regret the time spent in the process.
• You feel responsible for other people’s emotions and try to fix everyone’s problems.
• You rarely state your genuine opinions because you’d rather just “go along with it”.
• You’re always apologizing, even for things that aren’t your fault.
• You feel guilty if you do things for yourself rather than for others.
• Your relationships feel draining because you are always giving, compromising, readjusting.
• You’ve been called “too nice,” and people actually seem surprised when you finally assert yourself.
• You have difficulty identifying what you really want because you tend to center on what others need.

If you’re checking off more than a few boxes, it’s time to build some boundaries before you completely burn out.

Why Establishing Boundaries Seems Impossible  

Individuals who tend to please others do not shy away from setting boundaries due to weakness or ignorance. They avoid them because the idea of boundaries is daunting. Here’s why: 

The Guilt is Intense

Whenever you contemplate saying no or advocating for yourself, feelings of guilt can overwhelm you. “What if they become upset? What if they perceive me as selfish? What if they no longer like me?” The guilt can become so suffocating that agreeing to things you’d rather not do appears less challenging than facing the discomfort of letting someone down.

You Associate Love With Self-Sacrifice

At some point in your life, you came to believe that love requires self-denial, that showing you care means prioritizing others above yourself, and that being a good person involves always being there for everyone. Therefore, setting boundaries feels like you’re failing as a friend, partner, family member, or even as a person.

You Dread Conflict

Establishing boundaries can irritate others, especially those who have taken advantage of your absence of them. The thought of someone being upset or displeased with you feels unbearable, making you prefer to endure in silence rather than face confrontation.  

Your Self-Worth Feels Dependent

On a deeper level, you fear that people value you only for what you can provide. If you cease to be helpful, available, or agreeable, what if they decide to leave? Therefore, you continuously strive, prove yourself, and seek to please, hoping that it will be sufficient to earn love and connection.

How to Establish Healthful Boundaries

Are you prepared to stop being the doormat for everyone? Here’s how to begin establishing limits in practice:

Practice and Start Small

Setting all the limits at once is not necessary. Commence with low-stakes scenarios. “I can’t talk right now, can I call you back later?” Alternatively “I’m not available this weekend.” Work your way up by practicing saying no to little things until it becomes less intimidating.

Make Use of Direct and Clear Language

People-pleasers enjoy making everything seem softer. “I’m not sure if..”, “maybe I might not be able to…” No. Try one of these: “I can’t make it,” “That doesn’t work for me,” and “I’m not comfortable with that.” You don’t have to give lengthy defences or explanations to anyone. A simple, direct boundary is enough.

Give up Over-Explanation

The more you explain, the more you’re pleading for acceptance of your boundaries. You’re merely attempting to defend something that doesn’t require defence when you say, “I can’t help you move because…” and then go on to give five lines of reasoning. “I’m not available” is a complete statement.

Accept the Discomfort

It will be awkward to set limits. People may feel angry, perplexed, or disappointed. It’s alright. Setting a limit doesn’t make you incorrect, even if they find it uncomfortable. Instead of instantly turning around to cheer everyone else up, sit with the discomfort.

Identify the People Who Respect Your Boundaries

When you eventually set boundaries, see how people react. Respectful people will adapt. They might be surprised, but they’ll respect your limits. People that are manipulative, furious, or try to place the blame on you? They didn’t like losing access and were taking advantage of your lack of boundaries. That provides all the information you require.

Seek Assistance if You Need It

Therapy can be helpful if setting boundaries seems unattainable or causes severe anxiety. You can gain the ability to set limits with confidence and learn why they feel so dangerous by working with a therapist via Blueroomcare. You don’t have to accomplish this by yourself.

What Takes Place When Boundaries Are Actually Set

Nobody tells you this, but some relationships will change once you start establishing limits. Your partnership will truly improve if some people respect your boundaries. People who solely appreciated what you could do for them will push back, test your limitations, or disappear.

And that’s all right. Making room for connections where you are valued for who you are, not simply what you do, is what you’re missing when you lose individuals who only appreciated you as long as you had no boundaries.

Your boundaries will be respected by the proper people, the ones you should maintain. They will value your candour rather than your covert animosity. They’ll lower their standards and treat you the same way you’ve always treated them.

Takeaway

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean erecting walls or shoving people away. They are about building relationships in which you may be who you are without becoming overly invested. You are capable of both kindness and self-control. You may prioritise yourself while being kind. Saying no is not a sign of a bad person.

You should stop burning yourself, to keep everyone else warm. Relationships where you don’t have to choose between being loved and being yourself are the ones that are worthwhile. Establish boundaries now. Say no now. Start prioritizing your own needs alongside everyone else’s. Having boundaries does not make you selfish. You’re a human. And relationships that respect that are what you deserve.

• Need support? Start your care journey by booking a confidential therapy session and accessing daily journaling and wellness check-ins through the Blueroomcare App.
• Looking for more guidance? Explore our blog for more mental health tips.