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Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a good friend. This concept of self-compassion has received a lot of attention in psychological studies over the past twenty years. However, despite the growing body of evidence supporting the benefits of self-compassion, many people continue to be plagued by a basic misunderstanding: that self-compassion is somehow selfish, indulgent, or weak.
A basic understanding of what self-compassion is, why it is important, and how it differs from selfishness can be a powerful tool in changing your relationship with yourself and your overall mental health.
What Self-Compassion Really Is
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this area of study, has broken down self-compassion into three main parts: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness
The practice of treating yourself with warmth and understanding instead of self-criticism when you fail, make mistakes, or suffer. Rather than criticizing yourself for your shortcomings, you treat yourself as you would someone you care about.
Common humanity
The practice of recognizing that struggle, failure, and imperfection are a part of the shared human experience instead of a reflection of your own inadequacy. When you blow it, you’re not uniquely defective, you’re going through something that every human goes through.
Mindfulness
The practice of recognizing your painful thoughts and feelings without blowing them out of proportion or trying to escape them. It’s the middle ground between those two extremes that allows you to see that you’re suffering without getting caught up in it.
All three of these practices work together to create a way of relating to yourself that is supportive rather than punitive, connected rather than isolating, and balanced rather than extreme.
The Science: What Research Shows About Self-Compassion
The evidence for self-compassion is overwhelming and impressive. Research has repeatedly shown that self-compassion is linked to improved mental health outcomes, such as lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. Self-compassion practitioners also exhibit higher levels of emotional resilience, meaning they are better able to recover from difficult experiences compared to self-critics.
In direct contradiction to the assumption that self-criticism leads to positive change, research indicates the opposite. Self-compassion practitioners are actually more likely to accept responsibility for their mistakes, learn from failures, and work towards personal growth. Why? Because they’re not crippled by feelings of shame or defensiveness. When you practice self-compassion, you build a psychological environment where self-examination is possible without fear of self-criticism.
Self-compassion is also linked with healthier behaviors. Research has found that self-compassionate people are more likely to eat healthy foods, exercise, go to the doctor when they are sick, and practice other health-related behaviors, not out of self-punishment, but out of a genuine concern for their own well-being.
Perhaps most importantly, self-compassion does not make you complacent or lower your standards. Research has found that self-compassionate people have high standards for themselves and work toward excellence, but they do so without the crippling fear of failure that often accompanies perfectionism.
Why Self-Compassion Isn’t Selfish
The problem with confusing self-compassion with selfishness is that it is based on a misunderstanding of what selfishness and self-compassion are. Selfishness is when you put your own interests before those of others, without regard for how your behavior affects others. It is marked by entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a disregard for the needs of others.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, is when you treat yourself with the same kindness that you would show to others. It doesn’t mean failing to consider the needs of others or failing to take responsibility for your actions.
In reality, studies have found that self-compassion increases, rather than decreases, feelings of compassion for others. When you’re not depleted from constantly criticizing yourself, you have more to give in terms of support for the people around you. Self-compassionate individuals tend to show more empathy, forgiveness, and altruism because they’re coming from a place of fullness rather than depletion.
Here’s the thing: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Practicing self-kindness isn’t about indulging in yourself; it’s about keeping the emotional and psychological resources necessary to show up for yourself and others.
What Happens When You Replace Self-Compassion With Self-Criticism
Some people think that being hard on yourself is what you need to get motivated and improve. It makes sense: if you’re hard on yourself, you’ll try harder and do better. But what research shows is that this strategy actually doesn’t work.
Self-criticism also activates the threat-defense system in your brain, which is the same system that reacts to external threats. When you engage in self-criticism, your brain thinks you are under attack, and it responds with stress reactions that affect cognitive function, decision-making, and learning. You become defensive, avoidant, and less able to do the very things you’re trying to accomplish.
Self-criticism is also a significant predictor of mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and low self-esteem. It’s a toxic internal environment where mistakes are catastrophic, vulnerability is dangerous, and self-worth is conditional on flawless execution.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
If you’ve been your own worst critic for many years, self-compassion may feel awkward or even wrong. That’s okay. Here’s how to begin:
Notice Your Self-Talk
Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself, especially when you’re struggling. Would you talk to a friend that way? If not, that’s your signal to change.
Use Self-Compassionate Language
When you mess up or are in pain, use these phrases: “This is really hard right now,” “I’m doing the best I can,” or “Everyone struggles sometimes.”
Practice the Self-Compassion Break
Whenever you are suffering, take a moment to remind yourself: “This is a moment of suffering” (mindfulness), “Suffering is a part of life” (common humanity), “May I be kind to myself” (self-kindness). This exercise, created by Dr. Neff can help break the cycle of self-criticism.
Be Kind to Yourself as You Would to a Friend
Simply ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” Then treat yourself the same way.
Seek Professional Help
If self-compassion feels like a non-starter or is met with strong resistance, consider seeking the help of a therapist. Through services provided by Blueroomcare, you can work with a therapist to better understand why you struggle with self-criticism and learn more compassionate ways of relating to yourself.
Takeaway
Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook, letting your standards drop, or becoming selfish. It is about treating yourself as if you were someone you cared about very much, because you are. The research is clear: self-compassion leads to better mental health, greater motivation, more effective personal growth, and greater ability to be there for others.
Being kind to yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. It’s healthy. And it’s one of the most important things you can do for your well-being and the well-being of the people around you. You deserve the same compassion you so freely give to others. It’s time to give it to yourself.
- Need support? Start your care journey by booking a confidential therapy session and accessing daily journaling and wellness check-ins through the Blueroomcare App.
- Looking for more guidance? Explore our blog for more mental health tips.
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