BlueroomcareWhile most people consider disputes as something that occurs when there are issues in their relationships, most often in the form of yelling or harsh words exchanged, the problem that poses one of the greatest dangers in relationships is actually silent and undetected. This silent threat is known as stonewalling.
It is important to note that the silent treatment is not what we know as stonewalling. Stonewalling is a psychological pattern with specific effects on the well-being of couples, which is why its understanding is crucial for overcoming it. However, in spite of the fact that the majority of people are unaware of its existence, stonewalling can be very destructive. Most of those experiencing it usually ask themselves whether they are being too sensitive and wonder about the nature of the problem. In most cases, however, the problem lies in the pattern itself.
What Is Stonewalling in a Relationship?
Stonewalling is a communication pattern where one partner avoids interacting and responds to nothing in the conversation. Stonewalling can either be a conscious or unconscious act usually due to being overwhelmed or feeling emotionally flooded.
In practice, stonewalling may take such forms as staying mute during a confrontation, exiting the room without any explanation, giving one-word replies, avoiding eye contact, or pretending like the person is not even talking at all. What happens is that the person trying to engage in conversation does not have anywhere else to turn to with his/her concerns.
The renowned relationship researcher John Gottman classified stonewalling as one of the Four Horsemen, which are communication styles that are most reliably linked to the end of relationships – criticism, contempt, and defensiveness included. This means that out of all negative interaction styles in relationships, stonewalling is one of the most destructive ones.
What Are the Signs of Stonewalling?
Stonewalling does not always stand out, especially when it is done without conscious effort. Some of its indications include failure to reply or participate in the conflict; answering briefly to end discussions; walking away from the room or hanging up the phone when a sensitive subject comes up; having a blank face in times of discussion; and shifting topics to avoid discussing sensitive issues.
Stonewalling happens when there is a debate that makes someone emotionally overwhelmed or has uncomfortable physiological reactions, making continued conversation feel impossible rather than deliberate.
Why Do People Stonewall?
There are two kinds of stonewalling, each one having specific features and implications for relationships and mental health.
Unintentional stonewalling
This kind of stonewalling which happens because of overwhelming feelings. Such a kind of stonewalling is a reaction to the emotional flood. A person who is stonewalling is mentally impaired at such moments, cannot think and have a conversation and, from the point of view of a third party, looks like he or she builds walls between himself/herself and others. It is not indifference; it is a response of the nervous system to an emotional overload. In case of emotional flooding, a heart rate increases over 100 beats per minute, making thoughtful communication impossible.
Intentional stonewalling
The second kind of stonewalling is a different phenomenon. Intentional stonewalling is a situation in which a partner decides not to respond or interact in order to control or even punish his or her partner.
Despite the fact that stonewalling in a romantic relationship is not an example of psychological abuse, stonewalling can become a tool of emotional manipulation. Stonewalling may be a part of emotional abuse when a person uses gaslighting and stonewalling simultaneously in order to influence a partner’s perception and feeling of him/herself.
Effects of Stonewalling in a Relationship?
It is important to understand the effects of chronic stonewalling as these effects are more than just the effect on the argument at hand. As noted in the research carried out in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, chronic stonewalling has been linked to high levels of stress in the body, lower satisfaction levels and increased emotional distance.
Stonewalling in such a case can prove to be destabilizing for the individual receiving it, as it leads to feelings of being rejected, confusion, self-doubt and emotional isolation within a supposedly committed relationship.
How to Respond to Stonewalling
Your reaction will depend upon whether you are the one who engages in this form of shutting down or if you are the recipient of it.
If you are the one who stonewalls, understanding that the first step is your physiological flooding is where you must begin. There may be couples therapy that can assist you in exploring the problem of physiological flooding – during couples therapy, you will find ways to express your emotions and handle conflict differently. Techniques include requesting a break lasting for twenty minutes or more before coming back to the discussion, employing physiological self-soothing methods to reduce your heart rate, and letting them know what you are doing.
If you are receiving this behavior from someone else, do not escalate. Getting louder or more demanding usually only serves to reinforce their tendency to shut you down. Calmly point out the problem and how it affects you, and seek counseling if necessary.
When to Seek Professional Support
It is normal for stonewalling to happen infrequently in times of heightened conflict because it is a natural human defense mechanism against overwhelming situations. Stonewalling that happens repeatedly, purposefully, and as part of an overall pattern of control should seek professional help. Couples counseling, specifically the Gottman method, can offer both parties the skills to identify when they are experiencing emotional flooding, improve their communication, and end cycles that harm the relationship.
If you are struggling with stonewalling in your relationship, seeking help from a therapist at Blueroomcare would be a good place to start.
- Need support? Start your care journey by booking a confidential therapy session and accessing daily journaling and wellness check-ins through the Blueroomcare App.
- Looking for more guidance? Explore our blog for more mental health tips.
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