Violence In Relationships

What is the difference between arguing and violence? What are the signs and consequences of violence in a relationship? You can find more information here …

In a relationship you want to feel safe, secure and comfortable, no matter whether the relationship is still fresh or you have been together for a long time. But what happens when insults, assaults or beatings become part of the relationship?

Of course, there can be arguments from time to time. You don’t always have the same opinion or different wishes. But even in an argument, certain boundaries must not be crossed.

What is the difference between an argument and violence?

A quarrel is an argument on an equal footing. In contrast, violence is often about dominating the other person, making them feel small or taking advantage of their superiority. It also ignores the fact that one of the parties is not well.

Conflicts must be dealt with at eye level!

Make sure that the boundaries of emotional or psychological violence are not crossed in an argument.

Emotional violence is when, for example,

• Someone makes fun of you, devalues you or puts you down.
• Someone humiliates you, embarrasses you or makes you feel bad in front of others
• Someone constantly controls, insults, threatens or emotionally blackmails you
• Someone pressures you, scares you or intimidates you.

First signs of violence in a relationship

Sometimes violence in a relationship is not so obvious at first, because it gradually “creeps in”. You may have a strange gut feeling that something is wrong in the relationship even before violent attacks occur. Don’t ignore these feelings. They may be a sign that something is not right.

This behaviour and these feelings can be the first warning signs:

• Does your partner get angry easily and snap easily?
• Does he/she feel irritated or constantly provoked?
• Does he/she want to make many decisions alone and do not tolerate any discussion?
• Do you feel you have to be careful not to do anything wrong?
• Is he/she jealous and possessive for no reason?
• Does he/she put you down in front of others?
• Are you afraid of your partner? Are you afraid to say certain things?
• Do you constantly feel on the alert?
• Do you flinch when your partner makes sudden movements?
• Do you defend your friend in front of others?
• Do you embellish stories about him/her or your relationship?
• Do you often have angry outbursts? Does he/she shout at you? Does he*she calls you names?
• Do you feel responsible for your partner’s “outbursts of anger”? Are you plagued by feelings of guilt?
• Are you always persuaded to do something in your relationship that you don’t really want to do?
• Does he/she want to control who you write to, what you write and who you see?
• Does your partner try to limit your contact with family or friends?
• Does your boyfriend tell you what to do?

Love stops when it hurts

At the beginning of a relationship you are in seventh heaven, everything is perfect. At some point, the first situations arise that hurt you. At first, maybe only “little things”, for which the partner apologises at some point. E.g. repeatedly derogatory remarks such as “What, you want to go out like that? “Don’t be so prudish!” “Don’t bitch!” “You’re completely crazy!” “Now you’ve got me, you don’t need to meet other boys*girls anymore!”

Then he/she doesn’t even see her mistakes anymore and runs over you like a steamroller. The conflicts come to a head more and more. This is often followed by physical violence.

Often there is a kind of cycle of violent actions, apologies and phases in which the partner is particularly loving again. He/she promises never to do it again. Many then want to believe that the partner will change and that the relationship can succeed. And it is precisely this that makes it particularly difficult for many of those affected to get help or to separate. After a while, however, arguments start again, e.g. because the partner thinks that the other person is partly to blame for the fact that he/she “snapped”. Violence occurs again and the cycle begins anew.

Sexual violence in relationships

In relationships, too, only what both parties expressly want is allowed in the area of sexuality. The law clearly states that rape in a partnership is a punishable offence. In the same way, it is not allowed to blackmail your partner about sex.

Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have to do everything the other person wants when it comes to sexuality. On the contrary, personal boundaries must be respected in a relationship. Even if you have initially given consent to a sexual act, the partner must stop immediately if you do not want to continue.

Examples of sexual violence in relationships:

• Persuading you to engage in sexual practices that you do not want.
• Rape
• Indirect or direct pressure to perform sexual acts: e.g. “If you don’t sleep with me, I’ll break up with you”.
• Forcing someone else to perform sexual acts
• Forcing the other person to watch pornography.

 The consequences of violence in the relationship

All forms of violence are harmful to others in some way. Physical violence can lead to injury or permanent disability. In extreme cases, an outburst of violence can put someone’s life in danger.

Experiencing violence usually also has psychological consequences. For example, anxiety, tension, sleep disturbances, dejection, panic attacks, depression, stress or nightmares may occur. Violence has negative effects on self-esteem and self-confidence.

One speaks of a violent trauma when the violent experiences are so incomprehensible that they cannot be processed.

Information on the topic of trauma

Why do victims of violence sometimes feel guilty?

When you experience violence, you are often completely stunned at first. You cannot understand why the person you love and trust behaves in this way. Because they can’t understand, some victims blame themselves. According to the motto: If I had behaved differently, then he*she wouldn’t have hit me. But it is always the one who crosses the line and uses violence who is to blame.

Breaking the silence

Just because you found your crush so great at the beginning and raved about him/her to everyone, you might not tell your friends about his/her less good sides. You may also feel uncomfortable telling someone that your partner treats you so badly.

However, it is important not to belittle your partner’s behavior. Sometimes it is good to hear an unbiased opinion. Other people who are not as emotionally affected as you are can help you.

There are many counselling centers, telephone and written counselling services that offer confidential support in cases of violence in relationships. You can find out what help is available here:

Help with violence in relationships

You can also get confidential help from us on the phone and in our written counselling services.

For further help and support  — Speak with a licensed therapist today.