Why Am I So Lonely? Understanding and Overcoming Isolation

There’s a certain kind of quiet that hits differently. It’s not the good kind that comes at the end of a long day. It’s the kind that settles heavily in your chest when it’s been hours since your phone has buzzed, when the weekend stretches out before you like a blank slate and a blank schedule, when you can’t remember the last time someone asked how you were and meant it.

You expected that being a real adult would mean finding your tribe. What you got was a world full of people who seem to understand that everyone belongs except for you. They’re out there somewhere, being seen and known and chosen, while you’re stuck here Googling “why am I so lonely” and hoping that the internet has some answers for your life.

If that feels a little too real, then stick with me. Because loneliness is not a flaw, and you are not making things up when it feels like the world has never been lonelier. Let’s get into what’s really going on and what you can actually do about it.

The Difference Between Being Alone and Feeling Lonely

The problem is, being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing, and understanding the difference between them is very important.

Being alone is a physical state of being. It’s a Friday night with Netflix, a meal by yourself, or a weekend with nobody else but your thoughts.

Feeling lonely is an emotional state of being. It’s possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by people, in a relationship, or even in a group chat where nobody stops talking.

You can be alone without being lonely, and conversely, you can be lonely without being alone.

If you’re feeling lonely even though you’re with people, your feelings are valid. You’re not being dramatic. You’re feeling very real and very valid emotions that millions and millions of people deal with but very few talk about.

Why Modern Life Makes Loneliness Worse

Let’s be honest: we’re living in the most connected time in the history of the world, and yet, are we more lonely than ever? Let’s dive in and find out:

Social Media is Lying to You

Those fabulous, seemingly perfect posts you see online? Those are just the highlight reels. Nobody posts about how they spent the day alone, wondering why they don’t have any real friends. Social media is just a big game of keep up appearances, and you’re falling for it.

Surface-Level Connections Everywhere

You’ve got hundreds of people in your contact list, but how many people really know you? Real connections take vulnerability, and social media just can’t deliver. We’ve sacrificed depth for breadth, and the problem is, we’re craving connections, just not the kind you can find online.

The Busy Culture

Everybody’s got a goal, everybody’s hustling, everybody’s grinding. Nobody has time for friends, right? “I’ll catch up with you guys when things calm down a little.” The problem is, things never calm down, and so nobody does. Everybody’s just too busy being busy to actually connect with people, and then they wonder why they’re lonely.

Life Transitions Hit Different

Moved to a new city? Changed jobs? Ended a relationship? Lost touch with your university friends? Life transitions can be loneliness accelerators. Your old social support network no longer fits your new life, and creating a new one from scratch is impossible, especially when everyone around you seems to have their own social circle.

Signs You’re Dealing with Loneliness

It’s easy to convince ourselves we’re fine when we’re actually lonely. Here are some signs that loneliness is getting the best of you, and it’s time to face the facts rather than trying to convince yourself that you’re just introverted or independent:

• You feel like you’re observing social interactions around you, but you’re not really a part of them
• You’re spending more time browsing social media than actually reaching out to the people around you
• You’re tired of engaging in small talk because all you really want to talk about is the one thing nobody else wants to discuss
• You think nobody would really notice if you vanished for a while
• You don’t want to share what’s really going on because “people have their own problems to deal with, too”
• You feel like nobody really understands you, including the people closest to you.

How to Actually Deal With Loneliness

The good news? Loneliness is not permanent, and there are things you can do about it.

Stop Waiting for People to Read Your Mind

You know that thing where you hope people will read your mind and notice you’re lonely and invite you out somewhere? Stop waiting for people to read your mind. People are busy with their own lives and are not mind readers. Send that “hey, want to hang out?” text. Yes, it makes you feel vulnerable. Do it anyway.

Quality Over Quantity, Always

Stop trying to be friends with everyone and focus on building real friendships with a select number of people. One true friend who knows you is worth more than 50 people who know your name but nothing else about you. Prioritize your friendships accordingly.

Get Comfortable With Vulnerability

In order for you to have true friendships and connections with people, you have to be comfortable with vulnerability. This means admitting when you’re not okay and letting people in on what you’re really thinking and feeling. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s necessary.

Join Communities Based on Your Interests

Join groups that are built around your interests and hobbies. This is how you find your tribe and your people. Book clubs, sports teams, volunteer groups; anywhere people are gathering around things they love. It’s much easier to form connections when you have something in common with people.

Therapy Isn’t Just for Crisis

If your loneliness is impacting your mental health, then therapy is an absolute must. You don’t have to suffer from loneliness and depression. Platforms like Blueroomcare allow you to access therapy from your own home. No excuses about Lagos traffic or finding time.

Reconnect With Yourself First

Loneliness can also be your mind’s way of telling you that you’ve lost touch with who you are as a person. Take some time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. When you’re comfortable in your own skin and your own company, you will attract better friendships and stop settling for people who don’t serve you well.

The Truth About Overcoming Loneliness

The truth about overcoming loneliness is this: It takes work, it takes courage, and it takes time. It’s not an overnight solution. You can’t just wish yourself into a social circle of friends. You have to create the friendships you’re looking for, and that means being willing to be uncomfortable.

You’re certainly not alone in this feeling. Loneliness is part of the human condition, especially in this crazy world we live in. It’s time to recognize that, and it’s time to start doing something about it.

Takeway

If you are reading this and thinking “Why am I so lonely?” then start here. Call that person you’ve been thinking of texting. Get that therapy appointment you’ve been thinking of booking. Join that group you’ve been thinking of joining. Be authentic instead of performing connections.

The life you want with actual people who see you is on the other side of the vulnerability you are avoiding. Take the first step. Your people are out there. They are likely lonely too and waiting for someone brave enough to close the gap. That someone could be you.

• Need support? Start your care journey by booking a confidential therapy session and accessing daily journaling and wellness check-ins through the Blueroomcare App.
• Looking for more guidance? Explore our blog for more mental health tips.